LORD, Have Mercy

You ever been in so much pain that you would rather die?  And not only die, but take yourself out of your own misery?  And not only kill yourself, but do it in the worst way possible because that’s all you think you deserve.  That’s exactly what some mental illnesses feel like and is the reason why some people opt for death.  I want to explain this so people understand just how empty and painful it feels to want to commit suicide.  I always ask that the LORD has mercy over their souls.

The worst physical pain I can imagine is childbirth.  And I haven’t even had a child, but I respect the women who have undergone the excruciating pain, surgeries and healing of childbirth.  Well, a mental ailment is 20x’s worse and you want to know why?  Because you experience it every single day without a choice.  At least for childbirth, it’s a conscious decision to experience that pain and you only do it maybe once per year for however long you decide to do so.  But mental pain, whoo-wee!  Until you have experienced how sorrowful, hurtful, painful, detrimental and heartbreaking it is to have a mental condition, the same way you tell me I can’t talk about childbirth is the same way I tell you not to talk about suicide.  Most women who have children don’t opt for death, but most people with a mental disorder not only opt for death, but provide their own means for death in a painful manner.  That is very powerful and should not be taken lightly.

Not having control over your brain and emotions is heart wrenching.  It’s like being in a mental jail cell.  You want to be happy, but you can’t.  You want to come out of depression, but you can’t.  You don’t want to say terrible things, but your anxiety allowed you to ruminate so much that’s all you can think of and say.  You don’t want to hurt yourself, but you’re hoping that the new pain will help subside your mental pain or that you simply deserve to be in pain because you think you’re a bad person because of your condition.  You don’t want to hurt other people, but your thoughts are running rapid and you have subdued to your mental ailment.  It’s tough people and it certainly is not easy.  Imagine living life with every wrong doing, pain and hurt from your life on your mind like a movie on repeat every day.  That’s what some mental disorders feel like.  And often your brain has been so traumatized that you can only focus on the negative as that’s all you were ever taught to process from trauma.  So your lens is so negative that you can’t even enjoy happiness.  It hurts like hell and you’d rather die than live with those thoughts.

What’s worse?  Most of the caretakers for the mentally ill HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED A MENTAL ILLNESS A DAY IN THEIR LIFE.  So they misdiagnose and go with the stigmas of mental illness.  They put people on drugs that exude WORST symptoms than their actual disorder.  That is why many people don’t take medication.  Do you want to feel happy or lose your libido, gain an appetite and weight, not feel your legs, have insomnia, feel like you’re ADHD because you’re too stimulated and still feel not in control of your thoughts?  Most people would rather just be anxious and depressed.  We need more people in the mental healthcare field who have overcome mental illnesses.  If drugs were so powerful, then how come so many people STILL continue to suffer from mental illnesses?  I beg to differ that drugs are the ultimate answer.  Therapy and TLC are far more powerful than any drug with a million side effects.

What’s worst still?  The cost of medical care.  It can cost almost $10,000 to be hospitalized and usually this is against people’s will.  Drugs can cost up to $2,000 or more per month without insurance and can still cost upwards of $200 per month with insurance.  Most doctors and therapists refuse to take insurance and cost $100-$300 per hour.  Most mentally ill people can’t even keep a normal job so you tell me how they are supposed to keep up with their medical care?  Again, these are reasons why people don’t take medications or get therapy to help regulate themselves.  But we see all the help in the world for people with opioid addictions who CHOOSE TO ABUSE DRUGS IN THE FIRST PLACE.  Too bad there’s more sympathy for them than people who were born with a mental condition or whose parents and upbringing traumatized them to death to have a mental condition.  At least people with drug addictions are usually helped by people who have overcome addiction.  But we still treat the mentally ill like criminals.  We throw them in hospitals, dope them up with drugs and hope for the best.  It’s a very sad $83 billion-dollar industry.  We would rather medicate than educate because that’s exactly what is missing.

Luckily for me, I am a Psychology major and know that our thoughts are not tangible.  They are just feelings that we often do not understand.  And yes, sometimes I am susceptible to my own thoughts and ideas and break down and cry.  What saves me?  I know my thoughts are not real.  But many people don’t understand why they believe their thoughts or why their chemical balance is off.  They don’t know what neurotransmitters are or how their pleasure center responds.  We need to explain these things to people instead of doping them up so they can actually understand what’s going on with themselves.  A person with diabetes gets all the help in the world to understand their health illness.  They understand how to change their diet, regulate their weight and use drugs as a combination, not the only answer.  But a person who is mentally ill is told to get over it, pop a pill, be wished the best and wrongly told they can never overcome it.  I hate the mental care industry.  It sets too many people up for failure and if it did not, again I say, more people would not continue to be mentally ill and commit suicide to save them from themselves.

If you know my writing, I keep it real with every single post.  We need to stop blaming people for suicide.  It breaks my heart that we have no sympathy and call them selfish because they left you with their funeral bills and leftover debt.  Trust me, their mental ailments cost them more than that; it cost them their life.  We focus on that more than we do as to why they decided that life was no longer living and their pain was too much to bear.  I used to think like the average person and demonize those who choose suicide.  That was until I felt a pain that made me want to end my own life.  But by the grace of GOD and my faith, I am still here.  That is all that has kept me is GOD.  So I ask that HE has mercy over their souls.  The sad part is we have a choice to follow GOD or follow this world.  This is why you see some mentally ill people either cling to GOD or cling to the devil and do his work.  Your mind is easily influenced and manipulated, but when you have a mental disorder on top of it, it can be insanely difficult to lead a “normal” life.  To the mentally ill, I say, keep your positive faith.  HE will see you through more than any medication, a doctor, therapist and even your family.  HE can give you peace that no man can provide and that my friends is priceless.

I did not write this to normalize or accept suicide.  I wrote this so that people understand how much it hurts to want to commit suicide.  Some people suffer in silence for decades before they decide to end their life.  I can only explain it from my point of view, but sadly, I know there are people who have experienced much worse.  Instead of judging people, have mercy.  That’s all I ask.  For those who are contemplating suicide, pray.  Unlike the doctor’s tell you, you can take control over your brain.  Allow the episode to come and go, but grace will be there the next day and you have a new day to change your circumstance and gain new thoughts.  Just try your best to take it a day at a time even if your brain lives 6 months in the future of negativity.  We only have one day to live at a time and even that is not promised to us.  But take each day to better understand the source of your pain and ask GOD to help you overcome that pain.  If you truly believe it, I promise you from the bottom of my soul that HE will give you reprieve.  This is my testimony when I gave my life back to Christ.  The LORD helped me.  And yes, I do take care of myself medically, but for those who cannot afford it, GOD is the ultimate Doctor and Healer.  Again, I ask that HE has mercy over your souls.  I am so sorry you are suffering, but I feel your pain and know what it’s like.  One.Day.At.A.Time.  It does get better and the sun will shine upon your face again.  And if you failed the next day, try again the next day.  Just get out of bed, go on a walk, call a great friend, eat your dinner, go to the gym, play with your dog, babysit a child and try.  All I ask is that you try.  And if you fail at trying, try again the next day.  Just keep trying.  I am here for anyone who needs to talk.  bfryspeaks@gmail.com



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