Women: Know Your Worth

Beautiful Tears

My uncle once told me no man will ever leave a woman alone until she leaves him alone.  I was in a miserable relationship at the time in which we broke up, made up and broke up again.  He did so many horrible things to me that I am literally too embarrassed to share.  I was too weak to break the relationship on my own and prayed my crazy ex would just leave me first, but that never happened.  My family was extremely annoyed that I would allow a man to treat me like a doormat.  Thanks to my strong, beautiful mother, since then, I have gained some common sense.  Unfortunately, there are still a plethora of women who need to wake up.

My uncle asked me, “What makes you think a man will leave you when you make yourself completely available to him with no effort necessary?”  His message was so powerful to me that it has resonated for over a decade now.  I certainly wouldn’t leave something that provided all the benefits I wanted without much effort.  If someone said hey, I’ll give you this brand new home with the mortgage and property taxes paid off for life under the conditions that you maintain the lawn and bushes, I’m pretty sure the average person would accept their offer.  That seems like an incredibly easy deal, but this is precisely how easy some women make it for men to use them.  And no I am not just speaking in regards to sex because truth be told, a pushover is much worse than a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality to have relations as she pleases.  I am speaking in regards to women who never demand respect, commitment and unconditional love from men.  Our society is so focused on sex that women believe that is all men are looking for.  Only male nymphos, whores and dogs are just looking for casual sex.  Real men are looking for a woman who challenges and entices him to a point that he can’t live without her.  The problem is most women are so insecure and lack self-worth to an extent they don’t feel they deserve a real man.

I was once that woman so I do not speak from a hypocritical place, but from a perspective of growth and maturity.  There was a reason I always found myself with no good men who sold drugs, dropped out of college, couldn’t keep a job, were mean sociopaths and didn’t care to build a future.  The laws of attraction were in full effect and I attracted what I thought I deserved.  Ultimately, this meant I didn’t think too highly of myself.  I didn’t think I was capable of maintaining a healthy relationship and certainly didn’t think I was worth loving.  I was afraid of rejection and so, I settled.  I didn’t like myself and I’m not sure in what regards I didn’t like myself, but I do know I didn’t like myself to a point that I could never understand how someone else could ever like me.  This was my number one problem.  It happened like clockwork.  A man would meet me and fall completely head over heels.  I could never enjoy the admiration because I was confused as to why they were so enamored!  How could he like me, I wondered?  Why does he like me?  What if he suddenly doesn’t like me anymore?  I’m too this and not enough of that and he seems too good for me, etc.  These thoughts transpired into actions and eventually I got those men to see me from my very own perspective; they finally despised me like I did myself and we broke up.  Time and time again, this occurred for years.  It wasn’t until I talked to one of my most dear guy friends and he explained, “BFry, those men simply liked you the way you were with flaws and all.”  I just never accepted who I was and thought I had to be this perfect woman.  It can be quite overwhelming when you meet a man who is so into you that it seems too good to be true.  Almost like someone choosing an affordable chic car over a luxury brand.  I felt pressure to uphold personal standards they liked so much and it freaked me out because I wasn’t exactly sure what it was they were so attracted to!  Over the years I learned they were simply attracted to the woman I was and the qualities I possessed.  My friend told me as long as you continue to be who you are they will be okay with you and love you.

Ladies this involves self-love. My mother told me countless times, “Baby girl, you have got to learn how to love yourself because when you first love yourself you won’t deal with anyone who doesn’t love and respect you.”  I’ll be the first to admit that this is not an easy task especially for those who have had traumatic pasts and witnessed their mother being mentally and emotionally abused by men.  But that isn’t an excuse to not properly manage those emotions and move forward either.  When you genuinely love yourself you exude a certain type of confidence that attracts a certain kind of man.  The same way your weaknesses attract the type of men who prey on women who they think they can control and manipulate.  If you need an example of what love is, think about how your mother loves you (well, a good mother anyway).  My mother still loves me when I’m wrong, sad, unpleasant, failing or make ignorant decisions.   Even when she’s angry with me she still loves me and accepts me for who I am.  She goes out of her way to make sure I’m happy.  She calls me because she wants to hear my voice and is genuinely concerned about my safety.  She advises me because she wants me to make the best decisions and she encourages me because she wants to build me up and not tear me down.  My mother is not negative nor does she suck the life out of me.  She loves me unconditionally and I love her for just being who she is.  I finally learned how to love myself as she loves me.  Now I’m happy because we don’t abuse those we love including ourselves.  And please do not confuse self-love with arrogance, conceit and narcissism as those are all totally different things.  It’s okay to love yourself and want the best for yourself.

Too often I see women chasing behind men who couldn’t care less if they existed.  All the man has to do is feed them 2% effort and they are full for a year.  These women are lied to, cheated on, hurt and stuck in the friend zone because he refuses to commit.  But if those women loved themselves they would have chucked up the deuces a long time ago!  Women!  You are precious and do not have time to waste on men who do not desire to love and protect you.  Life is entirely too short to waste your beautiful youth and limited reproductive years on men who are worth less than a seeing-eye-dog.  Value yourself!  You don’t need a man to complete you and keep you company; you have yourself and God for that.  Quite frankly, no man can complete you; he can only complement you.  For those of you stuck on stupid in your relationships, please ask yourself why.  And I mean honestly ask yourself why you stay and then create an exit route and start the healing process.  I’m sorry for my harsh words, but sugarcoating is not my forte nor do I have a sweet tooth.  You can blame my wonderful mother because it was often her who asked me why I allowed men to treat me like <expletive>!  You just have to love her, LOL!  When a woman truly understands the powers she wields, she will learn how to select men who will harness her powers.

It is because of these personal beliefs that I blame women for cheating men.  Sorry women, but please hear me out before you scream at the computer screen.  The same way I believe the black race needs to accept their circumstances of discrimination and racism yet rise above, is the same way I think women need to understand that men are just simply more dominant and act accordingly.  They get a pass for things that women cannot do and that is just life.  It’s more socially acceptable for men than women to keep several partners and be sexual deviants.  But men can only do what we allow them to!  If we women would stop sharing men and being okay with 50% of a man’s time and attention, men wouldn’t have a choice but to do better.  But since we make it so easy for them and fight each other over them, they treat us however convenient for themselves.  Men sit around and laugh at the fact that they are seeing the same woman and do you want to know why?  Because most men only have space in their heart for one woman and they know when a woman is not “the one” so why not have some fun in the time being.  Whereas, I believe women have the capacity to genuinely love many men due to the fact we are natural nurturers and are more apt to react from our emotions.  Women typically don’t have a problem getting men; our issue is making sure we allow the right man to choose us.  The moment women cut men off instead of cutting each other when men wrong them, the less susceptible they will be to getting hurt.  Ladies, learn to respect other women as well as yourselves.  It is imperative we learn to love ourselves and each other.  Love does not hurt; it feels wonderful and relationships simply should not be that hard.

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