Woman Marries Herself: The Response

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My friend tagged me to this post and I honestly didn’t know what to expect when I read it. But after reading it the first thing that came to mind is that marriage is not for the individual, it is for the partner. I think too many people feel that they will be fulfilled when they finally marry and unfortunately those are selfish reasons. If you are not already happy, content, satisfied and financially savvy by yourself, no one else will ever be able to provide that because they come from within. Even if a poor person marries someone rich, they could still be financially irresponsible, just look at lottery winners and one-hit wonders. Marriage to me is about providing your best qualities for someone else and ensuring they remain happy, secure and at peace. In turn, if both spouses have this same mentality then they will always be taken care of. Every article I have read in regards to marriage claims that the number one culprit is that people go in it for themselves whether they think it will make them happy, make their partner change, make them more financially stable or fulfill status quo and that’s precisely why they fail. You cannot have a selfish mentality when you commit your life to someone else.

With that being said, how do you commit your life to yourself? I understand the concept of always loving yourself, forgiving yourself and putting your needs first, but do you need an elaborate wedding ceremony to make such a stance? These should come as a normal standard for every girl and woman in the world. This is just a classic example of us praising the wrong things. We need to stop praising things that should come as a given, i.e. loving yourself and not having children out of wedlock. Nor should someone need to be rewarded with a ceremony to prove such love to themselves. Love is an action and sounds beautiful when said. A woman who shows self-love will be more respected than simply saying she loves herself. Show self-love by not allowing people to treat you like crap and staying in the wrong relationships because you feel lonely or can’t bear the thought of failing another relationship. Show self-love by conquering your dreams and supporting your future without affirmation from others. Show self-love by taking care of yourself, mentally and physically, and putting yourself first when necessary. Show self-love by being your own woman and adhering to your own standards. In this regard, it all seems it was done for show. But perhaps considering she said if she didn’t marry by 40, then she felt the need to go through with it anyway. Maybe she didn’t put too much thought into anything else and followed along with her plan which brings me to my next point.

Why give yourself an age limit for marriage? As a woman, the only time constraints I truly understand are for reproduction when our eggs become scarce and chances of conception are drastically lowered. But even with that being said, for those who are willing, you still have the option of foster care, adoption and surrogate mothers. I think too many people try to plan their entire lives out (I am guilty as charged) and find themselves in grave disappointment when things do not turn out precisely how they intended. We then go through drastic measures to make up for such time losses, i.e. marrying oneself and continue to alter our life plans based on our unrealistic expectations. At the end of the day no one can predict their life. No matter how effectively we plan and eloquently try to execute such plans, life is unpredictable and sometimes we have to find solace in that. I know several women who married and remarried in their mid 30’s and 40’s! We have all seen posts and articles of people marrying at much older ages. Who is to say that she wouldn’t find the love of her life at age 40 and marry at age 42 and so on? Everyone does not live the same path in life and we cannot base our experiences on those around us. I used to get depressed because I did not have a traditional college path like my classmates, but that was my journey! For if I did not experience it then I would not be the person I am today and would not have experienced all that was necessary to mold me. Fifteen years ago I swore I would be married by age 24, have children at 26 and be finished by 30 because I didn’t want to be an old mother. Well, now I’m almost 30 and none of that has happened except I changed my mentality that 30 isn’t old for a new mommy! I honestly think social media has a lot to blame for this. All day long women witness engagements, weddings ceremonies, honeymoons, newborns, toddlers, teenagers, husbands, MCM’s (Male Crush Mondays), family vacation trips and tons of affection. But what social media doesn’t show are their struggles, their journey, frustrations and the time and compromise it took for them to achieve where they are now! We must stop comparing ourselves to other people. They are not you and you are not them, so live your life for yourself. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. A wise man named Stretch once told me your worst problem is you don’t respect the process. Sometimes you have to endure the pain, the loneliness, the unhappiness and sacrifices in order to truly appreciate the reward when you later obtain it.

Lastly, many bloggers posed a question as to whether this was a mockery of marriage. In my opinion, due to the dramatization and ridiculousness of the story, it is not a mockery. Plus, in reality it is not a wedding at all because legally you cannot marry yourself. It is more of a celebration and honestly if it was titled as such without the wedding component (A Celebration of Self-Love), it probably would not have received such harsh criticisms. But I’m sure she couldn’t care less of our opinions and that’s okay, it’s her prerogative. However, marriage isn’t about time restrictions, fulfilling self-prophecies and glorifying self-love. Marriage is about committing yourself to your partner and being loyal to them while exemplifying unconditional love. Marriage has no time limits and when done properly should not expire. Marriage is a strong foundation for healthy relationships and positive family dynamics which provide structure for success. Marriage is a vehicle to share your life with someone else and journey through together while taking in the good, the bad and the ugly and supporting each other’s endeavors. Considering her expression of self-love eluded to none of this, then it wasn’t a marriage at all to me. While she is focused on not being married by age 40, I hope she takes a moment to realize why she isn’t married and what she can do to change herself to attract a husband. I was always taught you must be the partner you want to attract and take responsibility for oneself. Perhaps this will help her gain attention for a potential partner. But wouldn’t it be funny if she met her soul mate with high standards and he decided he couldn’t marry her because she had already been married before? LOL!

#bfryspeaks

 

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