Why Fathers are Important: Part II

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While writing the precursor to this blog I realized my perspective is quite skewed. I guess it makes sense that I present things from a female’s POV (point of view) considering I am a female. Being around men reminds me of just how different men and women are and how much we will never fully understand each other which honestly is what keeps us intrigued by one another. However, I want to be very careful that my biased perspective is not intended to tear down women or single mothers by any means. Instead it is an effort to show them the truth to empower them and help them make better informed decisions. I am a realist all day every day and like I have mentioned in previous blogs, I am far from a sugar-coater. I was given tough love as a young lady and that is my mode of intervention. Sometimes people need to be exposed to the truth. So with all of that being said, this post will focus on the fact that fathers need to step up to the plate from the perspective of a woman. After all, life starts with a woman and that is precisely where I will start in this blog.

At the end of the day women have so much more power than most of us realize and I am still discovering those powers as well. In terms of men stepping up as fathers in families, I honestly feel like much of their stepping up has a lot to do with women! Please let me explain. In my previous dating years, I pretty much got what I expected from a man in a relationship. If I was weak and allowed him to cheat, he did. If I was irresponsible and allowed him to disrespect me, he did. If I didn’t respect myself as a woman, neither did he and if I was co-dependent and was only with him because I couldn’t be alone, it showed. But in the same breath, the moment I reversed those behaviors, I immediately found myself meeting men who did not behave in those manners. When I started to get my grades together in school, I met more educated men. When I started focusing on my future, I met men who wanted to help build with me. When I stopped focusing on my sexuality, I met men who wanted me as a wife and the mother of their children. So I think the Laws of Attraction have more bearing than people are willing to admit. In terms of a family I think it is extremely important for a woman to be very selective during partner selection and unfortunately many women simply are not. We care more about men’s street credibility, what they look like, how well they dress and how popular they are without understanding their family values, long-term career goals, what drives them, what kind of leader they are and how much they are willing to sacrifice. There are just as many good, wholesome men out there as there are no-good men. It is up to you to determine what type of environment and people you surround yourself with. Truthfully, this is all caused by our lack of families in general. Most men don’t have positive examples to be good men and women don’t have positive male role models to understand what traits she should be looking for.

People need to realize that your upbringing is very vital to the person one becomes. Psychology suggests that much of our personality has been developed by age 5. My Sociology Professor always used to say, “What you allow your child to do at age 2, they will continue to do at age 22.” These ideas are very powerful! If men are absent from families from day one, this sends two negative messages; 1) girls don’t expect a father to be around and 2) boys don’t expect to have to be around. All this truly takes is for everyone to accept their responsibilities and grow up. Creating children is not a game or a play toy. You are dealing with real people’s lives who wind up facing real-life consequences because of your actions. When you decide to engage in sexual activities without proper birth control contraceptives, both parties are risking having children. But unfortunately, in our society it is women who truly suffer from the consequences. Who has morning sickness? Who has to carry the child for 9 months? Who has to care for the child and/or decide to abort or put their child up for adoption? Who has to give up their normal activities and put forth major sacrifices? Precisely, the woman. So with that being said, this is why I talk about this topic from the woman’s perspective because it is the woman who is affected the most negatively by the lack of men stepping up. And I am hoping that she starts caring about herself more by putting herself and her needs first. Men need to be held accountable for their actions and understand that they are contributing to life as well. They should not be able to escape the perils of raising a family while they get to enjoy their freedom and simply pay off their child’s mother and go start another family that they abandon. But I honestly have another issue with this… Why are women so eager to copulate with men who want nothing to do with them or their offspring?! I totally understand when people lie and deceive someone, I get that, but other than that if someone is telling you what they will do yet are constantly showing you exactly what they are not going to do, you need to take heed and turn the other cheek; actions speak louder than words. There are more fish in the sea and you do not deserve to be treated as if you are replaceable. More and more I realize that women get caught in traps because they don’t value themselves and don’t think they will ever find love or a man who treats them “that way.” Well, quite frankly I hope you don’t find a man who treats you “that way” and instead treats you better than you ever imagined. Ladies, we must respect ourselves and want more.

When positive examples are not present in families, this is what happens; man pursues woman, woman allows man to pursue, they court, they have a baby, woman doesn’t know how to be a woman or a mother and the man doesn’t know how to lead his household, then they separate and the cycle starts all over again. Someone somewhere needs to break the cycle of breaking families. But how can we stress the importance of families when people today don’t even value the very essence of life itself? Parents are younger and younger these days and don’t know how to be responsible adults themselves, let alone raise a well-behaved human being. All of these are terrible cycles. Statistics show that when women have children at an early age, their children tend to have children at an early age until that cycle is broken. Even the amount of children can be correlated; women who come from large families tend to have more offspring. And research even suggests the types of relationships are mimicked; women who witness abuse tend to become the abused and men who witness abuse tend to become the abusers. So what is the answer really? I’m not sure except for positive interventions and the obvious of having overall better family dynamics. We need more young educated people to step up to the plate and be role models for the less fortunate. We need to employ being responsible for our neighbors or at least helping them. Would you just watch someone die in flames or would you at least grab a fire extinguisher and dial 9-1-1?

I once watched a Pastor speak on live television where he said something along these lines, “I’m really tired of people using poor excuses that their father wasn’t around or their mother was a deadbeat, etc. and allowing that to excuse their poor decisions.” His point was that because you witnessed how a father and mother should not behave, you should choose to do the opposite and do better.  He said he doesn’t understand how a young man who never had his father around and knowing how that felt could possibly grow up and do the same thing to his own child. Unfortunately, it’s way easier to be irresponsible versus stepping up to the plate and being a parent, it’s easier to run the streets and make fast money versus sacrificing and setting yourself up for the future and it’s easier to deal with multiple women than putting forth effort to make it work with one. Unfortunately, people blame their childhood too much and make way too many excuses. And no I’m not trying to be a hypocrite here because I realize that people’s childhoods can mess them up, but at the end of the day life is all about choices! You choose to be happy or sad, to do good or bad and to stand up or flee at any given situation (unless you have some severe mental disabilities which is another story in itself). I believe people think their circumstances predict the outcome and not their self-will; mind over matter. I am not ready to go into too many personal details of my life, but I am a perfect example of this. I had all the excuses in the world to not amount to anything, but I had a drive in me and was resilient not to mention being blessed with multiple people who cared about me and wanted me to succeed. I refused to act the way other people treated me. Which truly leads me to my next point. I have come to the conclusion that there are three different types of people in this world; the ambitious, the mediocre and the lazy. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what lifestyle you lived because you choose the lifestyle you are willing to live. How can you explain those kids who come from excellent parents yet wind up in prison? It wasn’t their parents fault, it was their own fault once they were old enough to make their own decisions. Simply put, we all must do better.

So while I agree that fathers need to step up to the plate by governing their families, being a father, providing a constructive presence and teaching their children, more parents need to be better role models for their children who may become parents one day. People are too selfish these days and think everything is about them. Well I’m sorry but when you decided to have children, nothing is about you anymore except what you can fit in your spare time after your children have been attended to. What needs to occur is people who are simply not ready to sacrifice their lives to be parents need to stop fornicating and creating children. That way we won’t have to worry about broken families and they can just destroy their own lives. But I’ll discuss that more in a later blog.

#bfryspeaks

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